Blank for too long.

So this site blog sat in my bookmarks folder since last July. I made it under the delusion that I would be writing in it as a way to keep myself creative and expressive. I wanted to be sure my brain didn't dull instantly after graduation. I'll give you one guess as to how that turned out.

I think after spending a year writing my undergrad nonfiction thesis I just sort of felt tapped out. Drained completely. That and I was still in the shock that is the unemployed post-grad existence. There's something about spending months pouring out intensely personal self-reflection that will just take it out of you. It was like taking everything that had a huge effect on me and putting it in on a page. It left me feeling creatively and emotionally empty. Plus after graduation I didn't have a single clue what to do with myself. "Holy hell...what now?" Was all I could really muster.

Judy (Fencing Coach) tried to prod me into writing. But every single scribble I put down seemed stupid. Also, I felt useless without a classroom. What good is writing stuff down if know one reads it? Or that's what I thought at the time. I was so used to having a group of people unpack my essays and give me feed back. And in that vain kind of way I really didn't know how to write if no one told me what they thought about it. I went on like this for a few months.

I started journaling (hand written) again on January 1st, 2011. I started after I dug out the old journal that I started writing for health class sophomore year. That was back when I frist really started trying to deal with my sexuality and feelings of confusion. You see I have this bad habit of starting journals, then neglecting them after a few weeks. That first one only covers a few months of time, but it's important time. I can read it and immediately remember how I felt writing it. The confusion, the anxiety, the desperation to tell someone, anyone really, what I was going through. I think the most important part of the coming out process is telling yourself, "Hey...you're gay. Time to start dealing with it." I like knowing that I'll always have that conversation written down in blue ball point ink.

I've been pretty good about the new hand written journal from 1/1/11. I might wright consistently but then miss a week. But you know, sometimes weeks are just boring and nothing really happens. I always try and sum things up though. I'd like to think that one day my notes might make their way into an odds and ends shop of the future, or maybe a museum. Professors of the 2502 will go, "This is how 21st century man lived." and blah blah blah. That's the one thing I loved about reading history excerpts. A lot of what we know today comes from personal accounts, even if they were trivial/mundane stuff. To me there's something romantic about picking up a really old journal and reading what the writer thought was important.

So I've got a few things going now. My hand written journal where I write day-to-day things, and stuff I'd rather not share publicly. An idea notebook where I write self prompts, small musings, stupid doodles, or what ever comes to mind. Lastly I've got this blog now where I can actually try and write at length again. If you know me weel I'll appreciate your prodding to keep me going at it.

Now that I'm in New York and surrounded by so much...well I don't know what I'm surrounded by but it's incredibly stimulating. I don't know if I just needed a scene change, or something more inspiring but I'm glad to be writing again. Cause I realized something when I picked up that first journal and sat down with it. I'm writing for me.

~n